


Bill Walsh's West Coast Offense

by sarken



Category: Real News RPF
Genre: Bad Relationship Advice, Football Metaphors, Gen, Humor, Lesbian Character, Once and Future Sorkin Characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-10
Updated: 2010-09-10
Packaged: 2017-10-11 15:45:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/114017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarken/pseuds/sarken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan thinks Keith should sleep with Rachel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bill Walsh's West Coast Offense

**Author's Note:**

> Rachel's [football metaphor](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCXWCdyHQxw) is from [the October 28, 2008 show](http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27439402/).

_November 2008_

Dan has the nerve to say it to his face.

"You should sleep with her," he tells Keith while they're cutting highlights for the Bengals game.

"Who?" Keith is trying to buy time, but this is Dan, not Jon or Stephen or Anderson. Dan has a lot more practice dealing with Keith.

"Queen Elizabeth," he says. "Rachel, you dummy."

Keith scratches his ear. "Look, I'm aware you two haven't been formally introduced, but she's kind of a lesbian."

"So?"

Keith just stares at him. "When I said 'kind of,' I meant that she is. There is no 'kind of' involved. They're aren't degrees of lesbianism."

"There's Kinsey," Dan says. He looks pleased with himself.

"Since when the hell do you know about Kinsey?"

"I saw the movie. And, I'm just saying, KO, you shouldn't assume she's a six. She could be a four." The corner of his mouth twitches with the start of a smile. "Hell, you might even be able to pull it off if she's a five. You're hot stuff."

Keith puts on his headphones but doesn't turn back to the monitor. "I'm not comfortable discussing Rachel's sexuality without -- actually, even if she were here, I still don't think it would be an appropriate topic for discussion."

Dan snorts. "That's a first."

Keith sighs and takes the headphones off, tossing them onto the workspace. "Excuse me?"

"You not wanting to talk about your girlfriend."

"Now she's my girlfriend?"

"Now she's your girlfriend. I'm not saying you've got it bad or anything, but I thought you were going to ask Bob if she could join the team after her football analogy the other week."

"She thinks Kinsey is full of shit."

"Oh, so you have talked about this."

"In passing. Once."

"Would it help if you told her you were secretly a girl? Would it help if _I_ told her you were secretly a girl? 'Cause I'd do it for you, big guy." Dan pauses. "Also, I'd just like to point out that at no point during this conversation have you denied wanting to sleep with her."

"Is there any way for me to escape this with my dignity intact?"

"You have dignity?"

"Yes. It may be only the tiniest of shreds, but it's there," Keith says. "And because I have that tiny, infinitesimal shred of dignity left, I have zero intention of trying to get into Rachel's pants. A man has to have his limits, Dan."

"And getting into Rachel's pants, those are your limits? Because I think you're doing this backwards. A beautiful woman is supposed to be your kryptonite, your weakness, not the, the, whatever you'd call the thing that activates your superpowers."

"Well, gosh, Dan, if you like her that much, why don't you sleep with her?"

"I would," Dan says, "but I'm married, she's a lesbian, and my best friend would kick my ass."

"Damn straight," Keith says, turning back to his work. He may have gotten the last word, but he knows he has clearly lost.

-

"Dan thinks we should sleep together," Keith announces, and Rachel nearly chokes on her water.

"I wasn't aware things were so bad in the lawyer business that he'd gone into matchmaking," she says, setting her glass aside. "Someone should tell him he's not particularly good at it."

"Patrick, not Abrams," Keith says. "We were cutting tape for the Bengals highlights and he told me I should sleep with you."

"You know, the Bengals suck this year." Rachel touches her chin. "More than usual."

"I don't think the Bengals sucking is really the point of this conversation."

"I'm just saying, I think maybe Dan was taunting you. Maybe he was having a little fun with you. Do you think he could have been using the Bengals as a metaphor?"

"I don't think he could have been using the Bengals as a metaphor, no."

"Really? Because I think he could have been using them as a metaphor. A metaphor for your bad luck with women. At the very least, I think it must have reminded him of you and your bad luck with women, so he decided to rub it in by suggesting that you sleep with me." She takes a sip of her drink. "Do you want to sleep with me, Keith?"

"You're a lesbian."

"I'm flattered that you've noticed, but that's not really what I asked. I asked if you wanted to sleep with me."

"This is starting to feel remarkably like my conversation with Dan, only slightly less fun," Keith says, mostly to himself. "Of course I want to sleep with you, Rachel. But I have dignity. A tiny, infinitesimal shred of dignity that -- that, okay, that vanished with that admission just now. But the point isn't what I want. The point is that Dan not only thinks that I _should_ sleep with you, but that I have more than a snowball's chance in hell of actually doing so. He even used Kinsey to back up his argument."

"Kinsey is full of shit."

"I believe I mentioned that, yes," Keith says. "Incidentally, if you ever want to sleep with him..."

"With Kinsey?"

"Dan."

"Oh. Because I was really thinking about sleeping with Kinsey for a minute there, but with the necrophilia and all, that's probably not a good idea in the long run."

"Is Kinsey even dead?"

"I don't actually know. I'm just assuming he is because it makes me feel a lot better."

"Not to belabor the point, but between me, Kinsey, and the snowball, what do the odds look like?"

Rachel gives him a mock-sympathetic look. "I mentioned the part where you have lousy luck with women, right?"

"So you're telling me the odds favor either Kinsey or the snowball."

"To be quite honest, I was leaning a bit toward Dan."

Keith groans and drops his head onto the table.

-

Rachel scares the hell out of Dan when she steps into his office and says, "You think I should sleep with Keith?"

"I think you should start wearing a collar with a little bell." Dan sets down his pen and turns around in his chair. "You are freakishly catlike, did you know that?"

"Just wait until you see me kill a parakeet."

"I think the collar and the little bell would pretty much prevent that from ever happening."

"A fair point." Rachel leans against the doorframe. "Why do you think I should sleep with Keith?"

"I don't." Dan waves off the coming protest. "Now, don't get me wrong, I love Keith more than ninety percent of the people to whom I am related by blood, but I've known the man more than twenty years, and, frankly, I don't think anyone should sleep with him."

"So you're telling me he was lying." Rachel crosses her arms.

"No, I'm telling you you've both drastically misinterpreted what I said. You see, we were cutting tape for the Bengals game..."

"And you thought you'd have a little fun with him?"

Dan nods. "And I thought I'd have a little fun with him."

"Because the only thing worse than the Bengals record this season is Keith's track record with women, and you thought it would be fun to add to his highlights reel." Rachel is smiling. "You were baiting him."

"I have to admit, I was baiting you a little bit, too." Dan rests his hand on the back of Keith's empty chair.

"Oh, were you, now?" Rachel asks, crossing the room.

"Well, I didn't know how the hell else I was ever gonna get to meet you." A gentle shove sends the chair rolling toward Rachel. "I mean, Keith is really terrible with women."

"Oh, I know." Rachel catches the chair and sits, her smile stretching into a grin. She leans in close. "So, tell me _all_ about the Bengals, Dan."


End file.
